We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just gargled with NyQuil
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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