i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
