I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
