apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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