Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
