haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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