she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
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I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
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Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
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