P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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