Banned from zoo.
Again?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
