Sacagawea was the original milf.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
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fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
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At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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