I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
