I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
My liver is preforming stress tests.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
