They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
