idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
BRING THE BAGELS
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
