I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
