the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
