I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
