i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
