apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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