I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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