I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
