you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
