my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
pop tarts are not kleenex
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
