it was like a zeppelin in a condom
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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