Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
