My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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