we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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