I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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