Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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