Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
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He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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