She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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