he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
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