just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
