apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt