I am spending my child support on dildos
I am midnight drunk by noon
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.