And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
