So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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