Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
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I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
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casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize