life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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