you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
