I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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