I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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