I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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