there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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