I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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