They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
