just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
