Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
it's great music for shaving your balls
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
