coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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