I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
