Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
