All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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