I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
being pregnant is like rehab
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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