yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
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