I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
