Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
