and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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