the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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