I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Randomize
